Behind The Eight Ball

It started back in August,

The transition from delivery driving to tutoring,

Too many emails back and forth,

Not enough time to make deliveries,

Three-week delay until my first tutoring paycheck.

I’m behind the eight ball

 

End of September,

Busy with tutoring,

Lots of balls moving around,

So stressed trying to keep things straight,

That I made a mistake.

I’m still behind the eight ball

 

Winter break,

No kids to tutor,

People are cooking instead of ordering,

No quarantines,

Less deliveries,

The balls stop moving.

I’m stuck behind the eight ball

 

Second semester,

The schedule is nearly full,

But I’m playing catch up,

I love this job, and I am good at it,

I just don’t have enough students,

To stay afloat,

The balls are moving, but not a single tap.

I’m stuck behind the eight ball

 

Spring Break,

Another slow week,

Trying to brainstorm another plan,

To replace delivery driving,

Every option is beyond my abilities,

The stress and anxiety builds,

Whoops, another mistake,

A ball rolls by without a touch.

I’m stuck behind the eight ball

 

The year is almost over,

An unexpected problem,

I’m not prepared for this,

My head is swirling in worry,

About what else could happen,

The balls have disappeared.

I’m stuck behind the eight ball

 

Looking at summer,

My mental health is a mess,

I’ve fallen behind on everything,

I need to take time to heal, to prepare for fall,

When the need for tutors will grow,

But first I have to find the other balls.

Because I’m still stuck behind the eight ball

 

And I can’t seem to break free.

Back in the Saddle

I’m back in the saddle again.

A short warm up run

To start the work week.

I huff and I plod along,

Enjoying the green buds and the birds’ chirp,

The start of spring.

I think about how I felt in NYC,

A lean, mean marathon machine.

That was a long time ago.

I may be out of shape, 

But my mind is stronger than my body.

Stronger than when I started this quest.

I’ve grown.

Time Loop

Scrub, scrub, scrub, 
Never good enough
I’m stuck in a time loop
Of endless handwashing

Touch the faucet 

Scrub, scrub, scrub again

Touch the soap dish

Scrub, scrub, scrub again

Water too hot

Go to the other bathroom 

Scrub, scrub, scrub again

Take three steps from the sink

Have to turn around and 

Scrub, scrub, scrub again

Forget where I was going

What I was doing

Repeat from the beginning

Scrub, scrub, scrub all over

Wash all the dirt off my hands

And my mind

Clear my brain to focus

On the task ahead

I can’t stop until I’m ready

I’m perfect.

Or the idea of having unclean hands 

Slithers around my head

A poisonous snake.

While I’m washing and clearing my mind,

Time ticks on

Aggressively,

Relentlessly.

I have nothing to show for my hard work

But clean hands.

The Labyrinth

Lost

In the labyrinth of my head

The giant maze of all my responsibilities

My brain on overload

 

I need to press forward

To stay ahead of my bills

To stay ahead of my life

Before the house of cards falls down

 

It’s like the game we played

On the first PC we owned

An IBM 286

Walking around a castle gathering treasures and fighting villains

With no end, no victory

 

So many twists and turns

Too many dead ends

And the fear of finding a monster around the corner

There are no good surprises here

 

I rush down the path

Many miles traveled

Just to find another wall

Turn around and go back the way I came

So much time wasted

 

A monster comes out of nowhere.

Emergency!  Panic!

Rush, rush, rush to another corridor

Completely lost in the chaos

Start again from square one

 

I need to find the map

The guide, the key

Until then I am trapped

Unable to escape

 

I tire easily, my eyes close.

I dream about being free

Away from the monsters and cold, thick walls

Happy.

 

Until a monster roars me awake

Back into the darkness

I continue on, step by step

Trying to find the exit

Before the maze consumes my mind

I Dream...

 

I dream….

Of always having perfectly manicured nails,

A daily facial and makeup routine,

More than two ways to do my hair.

I dream….

Of a home where everything has a spot,

Nothing accumulates,

All comfy and cozy and warm and safe.

I dream….

Of everything going as planned,

Not having to put out fire after fire,

Because all the preventative things were done on time.

I dream….

          Of feeling healthy and powerful,

          Not afraid that every little ache and pain,

          Is something more serious.

I dream….

          Of a month where I don’t have to worry about money,

          Or paying the bills,

          Able to do the work I love.

I dream….

          Of seeing a woman who exudes confidence and success,

          When I look at the mirror.

I dream….

          Of having a surplus of time and energy,

          To do nice things for my friends,

          And to help those who are struggling.

I dream….

          Of a neat, ordered life where nothing is out of place,

          Where I can give more than I take,

And my mind is finally at peace.