Sunday, January 17, 2021

Alone with My Thoughts….and My Fears

As the months of mask wearing and lockdowns drone on, how are you doing?

Last spring, when we locked down and started to fight the virus, my focus was on survival.  I needed to make a certain amount of money every day just to keep the bills paid, so 100% of my energy was on getting that income.

I made it, thanks to making the most of the opportunities in front of me, the stimulus checks, and a tax refund.  Now I’m juggling three different jobs and starting to rebuild my emergency fund.  I’m good until April, when hopefully there will be an uptick in tutoring.  There won’t be a repeat of last spring’s grade forgiveness this year.

As the immediate needs cleared, the pandemic….didn’t.  One of the biggest negatives to this lengthy isolation is that I’m spending way too much time alone with my thoughts, especially as the cold winter weather kept me indoors and at home.  I realized I have spent so much time in survival mode—most of the past decade—that I have failed to do a lot of the planning and maintenance to avoid bigger crises.

Instead, when the unexpected happens, I fly into a panicked tizzy.  I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t find my way out of the box.  I become a drama queen of epic proportions, making impulsive decisions that end up costing energy and time and money I don’t have, my mind racing through all the possibilities and breakdowns and failures and what else could go wrong.

No wonder I often feel like I’ve built a house of cards with my life, constantly holding my breath, waiting for something to blow it all down with one puff of air. 

When you have a 20 step procedure to make a cup of coffee in the morning and have a panic attack every time your laptop reboots, everything is a ticking time bomb of calamity.  The efforts to diffuse one stressor creates a downward spiral of compulsions and rules and steps.  Suddenly, I’m trapped within the maze of my own creation, filled with dead ends and monsters with no way to escape.

Well, there are plenty of ways to escape, from going out for coffee or playing on my phone or watching Marvel movies or just dreaming.  I’ve spent more time than I care to admit using these distractions to avoid the inevitable, but I always end up back in the maze with no end in sight and the time bombs even closer to 0:00.

The only way out of the maze of my mind…is taking one step at a time, moving to ease the anxiety and prepare for the emergencies.  Like getting my oil changed.  Scheduling the physical that was supposed to be my birthday present last year.  (I’m going to have to figure out this calf-cramping issue if I have any hope of qualifying for Boston, right?)  Even the baby step of making an Outlook task with whatever needs to get done, so I can start listing the steps that need to take place, gets me closer to the exit.

What I see every morning when I wake up and get out of bed.
You cannot live in fear and succeed.

If I am going to live the life of my dreams, I cannot be so afraid of what life could throw at me. 

11 comments:

Ruth| Ruthiee loves Glamour said...

Oh I love this post Erin. 2020 was a tough one for everyone. Personally, I feel like 2020 was the toughest year yet. 2020 did see my mental health go down the dark path and I know that the fact that we are in 2021 doesn't mean the damage 2020 did has disappeared with 2020. It would take time for us to completely heal and recover from those damages and that's completely fine. I feel like everyone has issues, everyone has had ups and downs but how you deal with your problems does matter a lot. Speaking of fear, everyone has fears. Fear is something I have always struggled with. I do know that I can do anything I put my mind to and I know that fear is only a limiting force but it is still not so easy to overcome fear. I am a work in progress and I always try to face my fears head on regardless of how tough they might seem and I find that doing the exact same thing I am scared of does help me a lot. I don't know what you are going through but I want you to know that we are all a work in progress, I want you to know that there is hope and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Also, I am your friend and I will always be here if you need someone to talk to. Great post x!

Ruth| Ruthiee loves Glamour

Erin Westphal said...

Thank you! My writing (and my blogging) is therapeutic, so I hope that we can start breaking through the stigma of mental health. I cannot imagine last year was good for a lot of people’s mental well being, and we do need to talk about it and be okay with it in order to heal. I’m here for you, too, and will keep reading your blog. It’s wonderful!

Michelle said...

This pandemic has been mentally exhausting. I'm an introvert but even I need social interaction from time to time. I've also noticed that I've been stuck in my head much too often and that's not always a good thing. However, I'm lucky to be able to go back to my karate classes and have a chance to get rid of all the stress.

All the best, Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

Erin Westphal said...

It has! I’m lucky that I was already in treatment for OCD, so I had regular sessions with a therapist through all of this. I worry about people who are struggling and don’t even realize it.

Also, I’m watching the news from your part of the world. Please stay safe and healthy. It’s getting dangerous out there!

Thebusyshelf said...

I'm an anxious person who, as life likes to put it, works in a high anxiety environment with anxiety inducing projects. What helped me during this pandemic was to stop looking at "distractions" as distractions but as "me-time". Instead of seeing them as a postponement of the inevitable or as an escape, I started looking at them as time taken intentionally to give my brain a break. This puts me in control instead of being controlled. This time clearly has played with our minds and mental health ... I wish you all the best, lots of hugs!

Erin Westphal said...

Thank you! Unfortunately, I can fall pretty deep in my distractions, losing hours as my obsessive brain ruminates. I blogged about it last fall: https://6in10.blogspot.com/2020/11/finding-my-way-out-of-dreamland.html

It’s finding that balance between easing our minds and utter avoidance, and I’ve been in Avoidance-land for far too long.

TheQuietGirl (Anissa) said...

2020 was a crazy year, I also was in my head a lot and it's not a good thing. Writing/Blogging has definitely saved my sanity through this quarantining. It helps clear out my mind. Great post and I wish you the best!

Erin Westphal said...

Thank you! Writing has been so healing. I can’t wait for the warmer weather and hopefully some running as well. It’s my meditation.

Unwanted Life said...

I can't imagine having a 20 step procedure for making a cup of coffee. How did you end up with that? What happens if you remove one of the steps, are you able to cope and still make your coffee?

Erin Westphal said...

To prepare food, my hands have to be perfectly clean. Most of the steps are washing hands between steps. If I do something, like touch the kettle after touching the sink handle without washing my hands in between, I have to stop, decontaminate the handle, take a shower, then start the process from step one. When it’s your first thing in the morning cup, you don’t want it to take an hour or two to make!

Unwanted Life said...

I hate being alone with my thoughts as well, which is one of the reasons I multitask all the time to keep myself busy and have to go sleep with the TV on to stop my mind from thinking.

However, there are times when trying to distract my mind don't work, and that's with my anxiety induced-psychosis. When I anxiety moments like that, I just have to let the thoughts run there course, unchallenged, because if I try to do anything about those thoughts, the thoughts get worse and so does my psychosis