Yesterday I was able to do a long-ish run to clear my
head. For me, the rhythm and pace of
long runs are meditative, thinking about all the things going on in my
life. Work, home, friends, dating….it
can be incredibly overwhelming at times, especially when I’m still recovering
from having the rug pulled out from under me almost four years ago.
They say that time heals all wounds, but it’s also amazing
how quickly I can be pushed back to that day—Labor Day, 2011—when the love of
my life told me he didn’t love me. In
six words, my entire future ceased to exist.
I was left alone to face a difficult world, not knowing what to do with
myself. Very slowly, I have built a nice
life, but nothing as wonderful and perfect as when we were together.
Running has been my salvation in the years since that moment. Solo runs give me the time to think about all
in my life, a way to pound all the stress and frustration into a speed workout,
a way to feel an accomplishment on a day when you feel overwhelmed, or a way to
sort through all the various thoughts and emotions in my head. It’s probably why I appreciate the solo run
so much, and why I can’t race every weekend.
This quest, to do these six major marathons, is a
continuation of the healing process. Bad
things happen in life, and will you choose a path towards healing or a path
towards destruction. I want to choose
the path towards healing, that day of someday feeling that inner happiness and
light again, so I gave myself a goal that forces that decision towards health
and wellness.
I’m lucky that I have access to miles of beautiful trails,
and yesterday I went to an overlook by a lake.
The beauty of the trail, as well as the overlook, was just the soothing
my mind needed as I pondered my place in the universe. My mantra of late has been “There is no such
thing as coincidence. God does not make
mistakes,” but my own emotions often make it hard to hear His intentions.
Running clears the mind, makes it easier to hear all of the
random thoughts bouncing around. Feeling
rather not-confident about some things, I recalled a mantra posted on someone’s
Facebook wall: Confidence is not ‘They
will like me.’ Confidence is ‘I’ll be
fine if they don’t.’ In my head, it
translated into: Confidence is not about
being perfect, it’s about knowing it’ll be fine if it isn’t perfect.
That mantra hit home.
I had spent two days in sheer panic, due to one question: what if the future isn’t perfect? Well, doh, the future is guaranteed to not be
perfect. And of course, it wasn’t. So I woke up Saturday a jumble of thoughts
and tears. In nine miles a talk to
myself about how miserable I was—and why was I so miserable transformed into a realization
that everything will be ok, that the less-than-perfect is part of God’s plan,
that I was putting too much pressure on myself to predict the future.
If I am going to reach this goal of finishing all 6 majors
in 10 years, I have to be able to bounce back from adversity, challenges,
injuries, illness, jet lag, and who knows what else? I need the confidence that comes from knowing
everything will be fine, no matter what life throws back at me.
I’m glad I got out there and ran. My negative energy came out in the sweat
dripping off my forehead, and I was ready to choose happiness instead of
self-pity. So when life gives you
lemons, go out for a run.
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